The Drunken Adventures of CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow
by Jade LaBeouf
Summary: What happens when Jack hires the HP & LOTR characters and travels to different worlds? MADNESS! PG to be safe. Reedited. On hiatus for I don't know how long...
1. The Crew is Gathered

This is a story written by me and my friend. It is mainly about Jack Sparrow and his adventures with his new crew. It's a funny story, so enjoy and please review!  
  
Disclaimer: I really don't like to repeat myself, so right now I'm saying that I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean and all those other movies I put in here. But I do own the three original characters introduced in chapter two.  
  
The cool breeze blew through CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow's hair as he made his way to Hogwarts castle on Middle Earth Island. He jumped valiantly from the crows nest and landed in – knee deep water.  
  
He had sprung a leak.  
  
He hastily grabbed for the bucket and began to scoop the water out and dump it over the side of the boat.  
  
"Why does this always have to happen?" he mumbled to himself, remembering his visit to Port Royal. As he neared the dock he climbed back into the crows nest. There he stepped off onto the Mirkwood Dock in the village of Hobbiton.  
  
An elf with blonde hair came up to him. "Hello, my name is Legolas Greenleaf and I will be your docking manager. That'll be three pounds to dock your .....uh....ship..."  
  
CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow glanced over at his boat. All that was left was a mast sticking out of the water. He shook his head and turned to the elf. "Rum?" he asked.  
  
"Uh... no thanks I don't drink. Now tell me your name and give me the money and you can be on your way."  
  
"You know..... Have you ever dreamed of sailing on a huge ship with pirates?" said Jack drunkenly.  
  
"If you mean that ship, then no," Legolas said simply.  
  
"No, no, no, I mean a real ship." Before the elf could answer he continued, "Me crew and I have traveled many voyages together and unfortunately...." He pretended to wipe a tear from his eye, "...they were all eaten by sharks!!"  
  
"That's terrible," said Legolas sympathetically.  
  
"No, they were a lousy crew anyway, so I was looking for some people who would like to volunteer to be my crew...you look like a big strong lad..."  
  
"I've never been a pirate before."  
  
"Well, here's your chance! Know anybody else who would like to go on this voyage?"  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"Uh... that's not important right now... we must find a crew first!"  
  
"I think I know of some people who might want to help, meet me at the Green Dragon bar at noon and I'll have some volunteers!" said Legolas.  
  
"Great," Jack turned as the elf left, glad he didn't have to pay.  
  
While strolling down Diagon alley, Jack went into a Quidditch shop. A group of sixteen year olds were admiring a broomstick when they spotted CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow.  
  
"What are you supposed to be? Halloween was months ago," said a flaming red haired boy.  
  
"Ron!" shrieked a bushy brown haired girl next to him as she slapped him on the arm. "I'm terribly sorry Mr......um....."  
  
"Rum?" said Jack.  
  
"I'm too young to drink Mr. Rum," said the girl dreamily.  
  
"No, no, no, my name is CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow."  
  
A jet black haired boy shouted, "You're a pirate!"  
  
"You might want to say it a little bit louder I think some people in China didn't hear you," said Jack with a chuckle. I could have been a comedian, he thought.  
  
"Sorry," the black haired boy whispered apologetically.  
  
"Don't mention it lad.... By the way, what are yer names?"  
  
"I'm Harry, Harry Potter,"  
  
"Ron by the way, Ron Weasley,"  
  
"Well hello Harry Harry Potter and Ron by the way Ron Weasley. I didn't catch this young lady's name..."  
  
"Um.....I'm.....no.....germione hanger.... No I mean...."  
  
"That's Hermione," said Ron.  
  
"How old are ye, matey's?"  
  
"Sixteen," said Harry Potter.  
  
"Then how would you like to become a pirate?" said Jack. "You'd be sailing with the infamous CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow."  
  
"Sure we'd love to!" said Ron.  
  
"Yeah, love to..." Hermione smiled shyly at the dashingly handsome Jack Sparrow.  
  
"Right, then meet me at the Green Dragon today at noon. We set sail tomorrow! Good day to you all!" And with that, he stumbled out the door swaying dangerously from side to side.  
  
By the time Jack had gotten to the Green Dragon, there was the elf he had met on the dock. He had a group of strange looking people sitting at a table.  
  
"Hello Jack," said Legolas. "These are my friends Gimli, Aragorn, Gandalf, Frodo, Boromir, Sam, Merry, and Pippin."  
  
"Wonderful..." said Jack. "Absolutely smashing!" Just then Harry and other students came in. "Look, it's Harry Harry Potter and Ron by the way Ron Weasley!"  
  
"Hello, Jack..." said Harry, a little irritated that Jack kept calling him that. "These are my friends, Seamus, Neville, Fred, George—''  
  
"Oh boy, I need to let up on the rum—I'm seeing double!!"  
  
"No, no, no, they're twins."  
  
"Oh, for a moment there I thought I was going mad!"  
  
"And this is Lee, Dean, Ginny, Dennis and Collin and you've already met RON and Hermione," finished Harry.  
  
After everybody was introduced to each other, Jack stood up and said, "I dub thee..." he smashed his rum bottle on the table, "The crew of the Black—''  
  
"Wait! Potter's not going anywhere without me!" said a familiar drawling voice. Out of the shadows came—  
  
"Malfoy!" shouted Harry.  
  
"You really need to learn to keep your voice down!" whispered Jack.  
  
"I'm coming too, because... well, it's none of your business!" Malfoy finished lamely.  
  
"Does your father know about this?" asked Harry suspiciously.  
  
"Of course he does!" Malfoy said unconvincingly.  
  
"It's all right with me, the more the merrier!" Jack looked at his newly formed crew. "Rum?"  
  
I hope you liked it. Please review what you think so far, you know you want to...- 


	2. The Rescue

  
  
"Taylor! You were supposed to fix the leak!"  
  
"I didn't have anything to use except for Erin's gum... except it didn't stick very well,"  
  
"Gum?! You used GUM?! Erin!"  
  
"Well the duck tape didn't work either,"  
  
"What kind of crew are you?"  
  
"Well I don't see you helping, Brittany!"  
  
"What do you think this bucket is for?" Brittany and Taylor started to dump the water over the side of the sinking boat. Erin was sitting in the crows nest looking through her telescope.  
  
"Land ho!"  
  
"How far is it?"  
  
"Maybe twenty miles."  
  
"Great...just peachy!" mumbled Brittany.  
  
"I like Peaches!" said Taylor.  
  
On shore CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow and his crew were laughing at the sight.  
  
"We should go help them," said Harry.  
  
"But it's too funny!" said Malfoy.  
  
Just then the boat and its crew disappeared underwater and when they didn't come back up everyone stopped laughing.  
  
"I'm going after them," said Jack.  
  
"Me to," said Legolas.  
  
"Be careful Jack!" shouted Hermione as he dove into the icy water after he carefully took off his hat and sword and gun. Ron and Harry glowered in jealousy.  
  
Legolas jumped in after him and then Seamus jumped in after him.  
  
"What are you doing?" shouted Neville.  
  
"I want to be apart of the action!"  
  
They swam with great speed twenty miles out into the ocean (If that's possible.) They took one last breath and swam under the water. It wasn't until they came to the very bottom when they saw the crew. They each grabbed a person and headed for the surface. When they reached shore none of them were breathing, everybody gathered around and Jack poured rum on their faces.  
  
"What's that going to do?" asked Ron.  
  
"You'll see, rum is a great healer." Just then the three girls spit water into everyone's faces.  
  
"WE'RE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!! GREAT GHOSTS OF DOOKIE, WE'RE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Taylor, the one that Seamus saved.  
  
"If I've told you once I've told you a million times! GUM IS NOT AN ADHESIVE!!!!" shouted the one that Jack saved.  
  
"Well SORRY! I wish someone would've told me BEFORE I told Taylor to use it!!"  
  
"HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"IT'S COMMON SENSE, ERIN!!!!"  
  
"WELL IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME!"  
  
"WELL IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH, WAS IT?"  
  
"Um...excuse me...my name is CAPTAIN...Jack Sparrow!" the girls stared at him for a few seconds then Taylor said as if stating the obvious:  
  
"You're a pirate!"  
  
"No duh!" said Jack. "I see your ship is kind of...sunk. Would you like to come along with us?"  
  
"Where you going?" asked Erin, the one Legolas rescued.  
  
"Um....Neverland?"  
  
"No-way! I've always wanted to go there! This is like a dream come true! Can we go please????" said Taylor excitedly.  
  
"Well....I guess we have no choice."  
  
"Wait a minute," said Legolas, "You never said we were going to Neverland."  
  
"Well.... I did now." Jack rose up another rum bottle.  
  
"Time to set sail!!! Now what was yer names again?"  
  
"Erin, Brittany and Taylor."  
  
"Right then! Time to assign jobs!"  
  
Erin-lookout Brittany-Jack's apprentice Taylor, Seamus, and Sam-kitchen Ron, Neville, Merry, Pippin-clean Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn-navigators Fred, George, Dean, and Lee-cannons and anchor Harry and Malfoy-sail men Gandalf, Hermione, Frodo, and Boromir-stowaways And everyone else knows what to do.  
  
"I'll explain why I have given you these jobs," said Jack. "Erin will be the lookout because she can see leagues ahead of even the sharpest eye of an elf."  
  
"Sir, I am an elf."  
  
"Yes, yes, of course you are. Anyways I have appointed Brittany my apprentice because she is the most amazing pirate I have ever met besides me."  
  
"But you've only just met her."  
  
"Yes, yes, of course I have. Like I was saying Sam is in the kitchen as the cook because well he is a good cook or so I hear. If you poison me in the middle of a meal I swear I will be feeding you to the sharks. Ha, ha, just a joke my little hobo."  
  
"I'm a hobbit, not a hobo."  
  
"Yes, yes, of course you are now anyway Taylor will be working with him because she likes him and Seamus likes her."  
  
"We do not!" they exclaimed.  
  
"Yes, yes, of course you don't. That group over there is forced to clean every disgusting mess we make."  
  
"But I don't like cleaning," said Pippin.  
  
"Yes, yes, of course you don't, now-"  
  
"Why do I have to clean?" asked Ron.  
  
"Well to be honest you reminded me of Cinderella with your dirty-ness. And everyone else you know what to do."  
  
"Why am I stuck with him?!" complained Harry.  
  
"Because you need to learn to get along so don't make me make you walk the plank 'cause that'll make me make you want to make me make you to walk the plank..."  
  
"What??"  
  
"Philosophy, you'll never understand..."  
  



	3. The Storm

Behold the third chapter! The crew finally sets sail! Read on!  
  
They were already on the open sea and a storm was a-brewing.  
  
"A storm is a-brewing off the port bow!" said Erin high in the crows nest. The sky started to get dark.  
  
"It looks like a doozey," said Taylor, looking out the galley window as huge waves started to wash aboard the ship.  
  
"Brittany, tell them to hoist the sails and tie everything down," yelled CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. Brittany ran out onto the deck and yelled the orders.  
  
Harry and Malfoy ran to the sails to tie them down. They climbed the mast and the rain started to fall.  
  
"You're doing it wrong, Potter!"  
  
"No you are doing it wrong!"  
  
"The both of you are doing it wrong," Brittany came up behind them, "you're supposed to do it like this."  
  
Hermione ran up to Jack. "Are we going to be okay?" She hugged his arm but he pulled it away.  
  
"We'll be fine Miss Hanger, go help Ron by the way Ron Weasley over there." Hermione dashed over to Ron just as a wave hit the boat knocking her over board.  
  
"Hermione!!!" shouted Ron. "MAN OVER BOARD!!!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. Ron was getting ready to jump over board to save her when he saw sharks rounding on Hermione.  
  
"HERMIONE!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed again, but then she slipped under the water and the water turned blood red. Harry came running with a life preserver but he was too late. Hermione had been eaten alive.  
  
Just then, lightning flashed and thunder rolled. A lightning bolt struck the top of the mast, catching it on fire, and Erin was still in the crows nest with no way to get down.  
  
"HHHHHEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!!!!!" she screamed.  
  
"Erin's still up there! How are we going to get her down? The ladder is on fire!?" said Taylor.  
  
"Chop down the mast and have her fall onto the deck!" suggested Pippin.  
  
"What about the mast?" asked Brittany.  
  
"We could repair it," said Taylor.  
  
"With what? GUM??" asked Brittany irritably.  
  
"WHEN YOU ALL ARE THROUGH WITH YOUR ENLIGHTENING CONVERSATION I WOULD LIKE TO GET DOWN!!!!" yelled Erin.  
  
"Just jump on Sam and Gimli!" yelled Fred and George.  
  
"Well I say we let Potter go up and save our damsel in distress," Malfoy sneered.  
  
"I heard that!"  
  
Just then the crows nest began to catch on fire.  
  
"TODAY WOULD BE NICE PEOPLE!!!" yelled Erin.  
  
"I'm going up there," said Legolas heroically.  
  
"But you can't, you mad hatter!!!" said Brittany.  
  
"Of course I can, because I'm—'' he looked at them all and made a James Bond impression "—Greenleaf... Legolas Greenleaf."  
  
"Yes, yes, of course you are." CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow came up to them. "I'M the CAPTAIN!!! I give the ORDERS!!!!!!!!! ....Go up there and save her." He took a swig of rum.  
  
Legolas tied a rope around his waist and around an arrow. He shot the arrow to the top of the mast and scaled the mast. He landed in the crow's nest where Erin had fainted because of all the smoke. He carried her down the mast and brought her to the galley then went back up to help the others.  
  
"That was wicked!!!" said Ron.  
  
"All in a day's work," said Legolas smoothly.  
  
"Um...dude...your hair..." Jack said.  
  
On Legolas' left shoulder a strand of hair had caught on fire. He licked his fingers and extinguished the flames.  
  
"Jingle bells, mortals smell... the wheels on the bus go round and round..." Everyone stared at Jack Sparrow as he danced around the deck like a madman.  
  
"I think our captain has had too much to drink..." said Brittany.  
  
Everybody went down in the galley to wait the storm out, Jack now singing "Polly Wolly Doodle" although he didn't know the words and didn't know how to hum it either. So he resorted to continue his song about the wheels on the bus until everyone grew tired of it and were forced to knock him out.  
  
On the next adventure: The crew lands on an island and what Jack discovers may alter the lives of the characters forever! Or at least alter the plot...  
  
A/N: I apologize to all Hermione fans. But we just don't like her and we had to get rid of her. Sorry! 


	4. Shipwrecked

Oh, yea and I forgot to mention earlier—thank you to my first reviewer! I love you! YAY!!  
  
CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow awoke with the sun shining in his face. "Where's me rum?" he wondered aloud. "Oi! Brittany! Where's me rum?"  
  
"It...uh...got washed away with the storm...yeah..." Brittany hesitated trying to quickly hide the bottle of rum she stole from him last night so he wouldn't get any more drunk than he already was.  
  
"Hey! I see land!" yelled Pippin from above deck.  
  
"Yes, yes, of course you do. Now if only I could find me rum..." Jack came onto the deck and rubbed his eyes tiredly, searching for his missing rum.  
  
"No really! Look!"  
  
"You are not the lookout, so don't...well...look out. Is that a sentence?" he proceeded to think this sentence over.  
  
BOOM!!!! The ship collided into a boulder underneath the water.  
  
The ship had sprung a leak.  
  
"Oh, great, why does this always have to happen?" Jack moaned. He turned to Pippin. "YOU IDIOT!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LOOKOUT!!!"  
  
"Well actually I'm supposed to be the cleaning dude."  
  
"Well until I get my lookout back, YOU are the new lookout!"  
  
"Jeez I wish you would make up your mind. If you had told me earlier, I could have warned you about the rock we just hit."  
  
"Grr...get the buckets ready! We need to keep this ship afloat!"  
  
"I don't think that's possible, captain," said Fred.  
  
"This ship's too big," said George.  
  
"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT MY BEAUTIFUL BLACK PEARL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Um...Captain Sparrow? We're only in, like, five feet of water," said Frodo.  
  
"Who are you?" Jack looked at the small hobbit, trying to recall where he had seen him before.  
  
"I'm a stowaway, sir."  
  
"Well then, go stow yourself away!"  
  
They jumped out and went onto the island. The island had a tropical rainforest.  
  
"I know this island!!" exclaimed Jack. "I was marooned here twice before!!! We can still survive! I only need to find that rum cellar."  
  
"No, no ,no, no, no. no, no! There's food on the ship so we won't go hungry, now let's explore a little," said Brittany.  
  
"Okay, but since I'M the CAPTAIN I say how we do it!"  
  
"Agreed," everyone said in unison.  
  
"We explore in groups of four! Hey...I RHYMED!!! I'm a poet and didn't even know it!"  
  
"Ok, ok, don't bust an artery..."  
  
So the crew split into groups of four.  
  
Jack Sparrow's group stumbled upon a cave with a rum rack.  
  
"All me favorite flavors," said Jack, rubbing a bottle gently.  
  
"We'll go tell the others," said Brittany.  
  
"Yes, we can stay here for the night," said Legolas as they left the cave.  
  
"Is it all right to leave him in there with all that rum?" asked Erin. "And if you ask me, that cave that just happened to be full of rum is a bit suspicious..."  
  
"Now that you mention it, yeah," said Brittany.  
  
Later that night......  
  
Everyone had come to the cave and Jack Sparrow was nowhere to be seen. So Fred and George headed for the rum rack and started drinking cherry flavored rum.  
  
"Let me try some of that," said Ron. He gave some to Harry and some to Pippin. Soon everybody tried some of the rum and was drunker than a hoot owl.  
  
Jack appeared after some time went by.  
  
"Sorry everybody, I had to go to the loo," he apologized. Everybody looked at him.  
  
"RUM?"  
  
The next chapter will be the start of their real adventures. It gets very weird from there. 


	5. The Mysterious Bottle of Rum

This is where things start to get...well, weird.  
  
"Now this is more like it!" said Jack. "Now you're all as crazy as I am!" He opened a mysterious bottle of rum. "Who wants to make a wish?"  
  
"You can't make a wish on that mysterious bottle of rum," said Seamus.  
  
"Fine then, I'll make a wish," said Jack. "Wish number one: I wish that Will Turner was here."  
  
POOF!  
  
"Where the heck am I?" Will Turner stood before them.  
  
"It works!" shouted Jack happily, giving Will a huge hug.  
  
Everyone stared in awe.  
  
"I wanna try!" said Seamus.  
  
"No mysterious bottle of rum for the non-believer!" said Jack, sticking out his tongue at him. "Now I wish for a pony!"  
  
POOF!  
  
"Neigh." A pony appeared in front of Jack.  
  
Everyone stared in awe.  
  
"It worked!" said Jack happily as he gave the pony a hug. "Now for my last wish: I wish we could all go to a historical place that happened in the future." (It is, after all, the 1700's.)  
  
POOF!  
  
Everybody was standing on a huge and beautiful ship, the SS Titanic.  
  
"No! Not this one!" whined Jack. "I wanna go back! Magical mystical bottle of rum take us back! I wanna go—oh look! They have rum!"  
  
Everyone stared in awe.  
  
"GREAT GHOSTS OF DOOKIE!!! WE'RE ON THE TITANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Taylor.  
  
"Will?" said a girl with long blonde hair.  
  
"Elizabeth?" said Will. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I wished on a mysterious bottle of rum to go to a historical place in the future and here I am," said Elizabeth. "But I never expected to see you here. What exactly are you doing here?"  
  
"To be honest, I have no idea," said Will truthfully.  
  
"Look mateys! They have cocktails!" shouted Jack.  
  
BOOM!  
  
The ship hit an iceberg. Everyone on board began to panic!  
  
"What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?" panicked the crew.  
  
"I know!" shouted Pippin heroically. "We'll fix it!"  
  
"How, genius?" asked Malfoy.  
  
Taylor and Erin looked at each other and smiled.  
  
"Oh, no," said Brittany, seeing their smiles, "it almost got me killed once, it's not gonna do it again!"  
  
"But Brittany—'' started Taylor.  
  
"NO! GUM IS NOT AN ADHESIVE!!!!" she shouted loudly. The passengers that didn't know her looked at her oddly. "WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE STARING AT?" The passengers quickly walked away.  
  
"What other options do we have?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Will's a blacksmith," said Ron. "He could fix it in no time."  
  
"With what, idiot?" snapped Will. "I came here, just me! Do you see any tools around here?"  
  
"No..." Ron muttered. "You didn't have to yell."  
  
"Well whatever we do, it's important that we stay together and have a lifeboat ready," said Gandalf. He pointed to the lifeboats—all of them were gone or filled with people.  
  
"Great, what now gramps?" said Boromir.  
  
The ship began to tilt forward. People were holding onto the sides and anything else that was stable.  
  
"Let's find Jack and get out of here," said Dean.  
  
"Jack! Jack Where are you?" everyone called, running around below deck.  
  
"The ship is sinking, and fast!" said Aragorn.  
  
"Taylor and I will go and fix the ship," said Erin.  
  
"But don't even think about using—'' but before Brittany could finish, they ran off.  
  
Meanwhile, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow was walking down the hallway in knee deep water. "This looks familiar," he said to himself as he made his way through the water. He came across a young man who was handcuffed to a pipe.  
  
"Cocktail?" he asked him.  
  
"Um...no thank you, in case you haven't noticed, I'm in a bit of a tight spot..." said the man.  
  
"Yes, yes, of course you are..." said Jack, hardly paying attention.  
  
"Do you think you can help me?" asked the man. "If you could just cut this chain for me, then you can be on your way."  
  
"Yes, yes, of course I can," said Jack. "You happen to be in the presence of CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!!!" He valiantly pulled out his sword and with one swift movement—he cut the chain and sheathed his sword once more.  
  
"Captain Jack Sparrow was it?" asked the man. "So are you the head honcho around here?"  
  
"Of my crew, if that's what you mean," said Jack, sticking his face close to the man's. "What's yer name?"  
  
"Jack Dawson," said the man.  
  
"Jack? Jack! We're both named Jack!" said the drunken Captain.  
  
"Right...well, thank you for helping me, now if you don't mind..."  
  
"Yes, yes, of course I don't..." Jack Sparrow put his arm around the young man's shoulders. "We have some talkin' to do, Jacky boy."  
  
Jack made a new friend! How will the crew escape their watery fate? Find out in the next chapter! 


	6. We will never know if Gum is an Adhesive

The ship was almost vertical when Erin and Taylor came up on deck. They raced as far as they could to the front of the ship and leaned over the side. They could see the leak!  
  
"You got the elven rope?" asked Erin.  
  
"Check."  
  
"Lower me down."  
  
Taylor slowly lowered Erin down towards the hole. Then she heard her yell, "ADHESIVE! YOU FORGOT TO GIVE ME THE ADHESIVE!!!"  
  
"SORRY!" Taylor looked around. "Where did I put it...oh yeah!" she spit something into her hand. "Look out below!"  
  
The slobbery, chewed up gum landed in Erin's hand. She applied the sticky substance neatly. "Beam me up Scotty! I've always wanted to say that..."  
  
Meanwhile, everyone else was at the back, holding on for dear life.  
  
Merry, Gandalf, Boromir, and Gimli slipped and fell into the icy cold water where they met their maker. Next went Lee, Dean, and Ginny. Neville, Seamus, Colin, and Dennis soon followed. The only ones left were Legolas, Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, Harry, Fred, George, Ron, Malfoy, and Brittany. Erin and Taylor were still gone and Jack was still no where in sight.  
  
"Where's Will and Elizabeth?" asked Harry.  
  
As if to answer his question, Will came climbing up the ship with a girl following him.  
  
"Where's Jack? Have you seen Jack?" she kept asking. "You resemble him slightly. Are you his second cousin's uncle's nephew's son's son?"  
  
"What are you talking about?" asked Will. "Quit following me! I don't even know you!"  
  
Just then, both Jacks came back.  
  
"Jack!" yelled the girl who was following Will.  
  
"Woman!" said Jack Sparrow.  
  
She ignored him and the other Jack took the girl's hand and they walked off together while the girl asked him, "Is that guy your cousin's uncle's nephew's son's son?"  
  
"Jack have you seen Elizabeth?" asked Will.  
  
"Elizabeth? Oh yeah, I saw her fall off the edge."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Just kidding, mate...she jumped off."  
  
Will became silent. (Poor Will!)  
  
"HEY GUYS! BRITTANY! WE FIXED THE SHIP!" came the yells of Taylor and Erin.  
  
BAM. The ship fell flat.  
  
"Well, I must say I am impressed," said Brittany. "How'd ya do it?"  
  
"Well..."  
  
"Don't tell me—"  
  
"Gum."  
  
"GUM IS—A GREAT ADHESIVE!!!!!"  
  
BOOM. The ship went vertical again.  
  
"GUM IS NOT AN ADHESIVE!!!!" screamed Brittany.  
  
The ship sank slowly and finally they ended up on an iceberg.  
  
"Hey, look! A mysterious piece of ice!" said Jack.  
  
Uh, oh! Jack found another mysterious object. Hmm... I wonder what will happen now... 


	7. Welcome to Camp Green Lake or: THEY JUST...

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes or anything to do with it. BUT I own a copy of the book! Whatcha think about that? Huh?  
  
*********************************  
  
They were sitting on the iceberg freezing cold.  
  
"It's cold," said Fred.  
  
"No duh stupid! Were all cold!" said Frodo, who was upset that Gandalf had died.  
  
"Mr.Frodo, be nice," said Sam.  
  
"Well if you were all cold all I had to do was make a wish on this mysterious piece of ice!" said Jack.  
  
"Mysterious piece of ice? Right." said Erin.  
  
"Then I'll prove it too you! I wish we were someplace nice and hot!"  
  
POOF!  
  
They landed on extremely hot sand. Suddenly everyone started grabbing the iceberg complaining that they were too hot.  
  
"Would you make up your bloody minds already?" Just then a lizard with eleven yellow spots came up behind Jack and started hissing at him. "Oh look, it's a nice yellow spotted lizard!"  
  
"Yellow spotted lizards are dangerous! One small bite is enough to kill a full grown man in a heartbeat!" said Legolas.  
  
"RUN!!!!" shouted George. They all started to sprint across the hot sand. After a while a camp came into view.  
  
A large man jumped right out in front of them. "What do you think your doing? This is private property!" he said.  
  
"I don't think you know who I am. I'm CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!" said Jack.  
  
"I don't care if you're Santa Claus, it still doesn't give you the right to walk on my private property!" said the man. "But I'll make a deal with you, if you help these boys dig holes I'll let you walk on my property anytime you want."  
  
"You got yer self a deal there, matey!" Jack agreed without even consulting his crew first.  
  
"Great, then you start now! My name is Mr. Sir, welcome to Camp Green Lake, and this ain't no girl scout camp neither," He led them to a shed with the word LIBRARY over the top. He opened the shed and inside was rows of shovels. He handed each of them a shovel and told them to begin digging.  
  
They set off to go dig near D-Tent. When they got to the site everybody stopped and stared at them.  
  
"Who the heck are you?" said a weird boy with glasses you couldn't even see through.  
  
"I'm CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow, and this is me crew,"  
  
"Halloween was five months ago, dude," said a really fat guy who smelled like a garbage can.  
  
"Well, dude, were not dressed up for Halloween, dude," said Jack. "As a matter of fact were here to help you dig!"  
  
"Whatever. I'm X-Ray and these people are Armpit, Squid, Magnet, Zigzag, Caveman, and Zero."  
  
"Interesting names," said Erin.  
  
"They are our nicknames," said Squid.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"OH CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Aragorn suddenly. "THE ICE BERG IS MELTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Ice Berg??????" said D-Tent all together. In the background Aragorn was jumping all around the ice berg shouting at it to stop melting.  
  
"Calm down," said Legolas. Then suddenly he shouted. "THE ICE BERG IS MELTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WE HAVE TO SAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Just then Will erupted in a ear piercing scream, "THE ICE BERG IS MELTING AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT! NOW I'LL NEVER SEE ELIZABETH AGAIN AND I THINK MY SHOP IS GOING TO BURN DOWN AND YOU KNOW WHY??????????"  
  
"Why?" asked Sam calmly.  
  
"BECAUSE!!! I LEFT A RUMP ROAST IN THE OVEN AT THE SHOP!!!!!!! AND NOW THE GOVERNOR IS GOING TO BOOT ME OUT OF TOWN CUZ I CAUSED SUSPITICAL DAMAGE TO THE NEIGHBORING SHOPS AND I'LL BE FORCED TO LIVE WITH THE HOBOS-''  
  
"Hobbits," said Sam calmly.  
  
" YES RIGHT WITH THE HOBBITS AND IT'LL RAIN EVERY SUNDAY WHILE I'M HAVING MY AFTERNOON TEA IN THE GARDEN AND THEN THE RAINBOW WILL COME OUT AND MAKE ALL THE HAPPY LITTLE PINK FUZZY BUNNIES COME OUT AND PLAY WITH THE ROOSTERS IN THE CROWS NEST IN THE TOWN SQUARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Then BAM! Zero came behind him and knocked him in the head with a shovel. "It's the heat, I'm telling ya."  
  
"I know. Will doesn't even like rump roast," said Jack.  
  
They continued to dig in silence when suddenly Taylor screamed, "Let the penguins eat the cheese!!!!!"  
  
"What?" asked everyone, confused.  
  
"The flying hamster of doom rains coconuts on your pitiful city!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she shouted. "Oh yeah!"  
  
"I think she's been out in the sun too long," said Harry.  
  
"We've only been out here thirty minutes!" said Brittany.  
  
"BANANAS ARE YELLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Will suddenly from the ground. "KISS ME, I'M A PIRATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"IF I WAS A TURD I'D JUMP OUT AND SCARE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Aragorn. "BOO!"  
  
The boys from D-Tent went to go get help.  
  
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?????" called Erin.  
  
"To get help!"  
  
"WELL BRING ME AN EVIL ICE CREAM TRUCK THAT'S PINK WITH BLUE DOTS WHILE YOU'RE OUT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed.  
  
"MY GANDALF WHAT PRETTY FIREWORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Pippin. He, Frodo, and Sam began to chase the invisible fireworks, ooing and awing.  
  
"ASHLEY THAT'S A PRETTY DRESS YOU HAVE ON TODAY!!!!" said Fred.  
  
"WHY THANK YOU MARY-KATE!!!!!!!!!!!" said George.  
  
"LOOK AT ME I'M THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY PRINCESS!!!!!!!" said Harry, dancing around like a ballerina.  
  
"AND I AM RATICAN!!!!!!!!!! THE EVIL RAT WHO'S COME TO STEAL YOU AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Malfoy joined him on the "dance floor."  
  
"RA RA REE! KICK EM IN THE KNEE!!!! RA RA RASS! KICK EM IN THE...OTHER KNEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Ron waving tumbleweeds like pom poms in the air.  
  
"PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW!!!!!!!!!" Brittany quoted Shakespeare while holding up a buzzards skull.  
  
Jack sighed and shook his head sadly. "They just couldn't take the heat.I told them to drink their daily amount of rum."  
  
********************************* Everyone went crazy. But not to worry! They'll be alright in the next chapter! 


	8. To the Jingle Jail with the Nonbeliever!

This chapter is really weird. If you haven't seen the Christmas episode of Invader Zim then this won't be as funny.  
  
Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own them, or Invader Zim for that matter.  
  
******************************  
  
Everyone woke up the next morning sleeping in a tent. Will woke up with a major headache from being hit in the head with a shovel.  
  
"What happened?" asked Sam.  
  
"You all went mad," said Jack laughing, "It was quite funny actually. And you call me weird. Guess what?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I found a mysterious shovel," said Jack, pointing to a shovel lying on the floor next to him.  
  
"OH CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THAT REMINDS ME THE ICEBERG IS STILL MELTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Aragorn.  
  
"Son, the iceberg melted a long time ago!! So we'll have to improvise!"  
  
"How are we supposed to get back??!!" everyone panicked.  
  
"With the mysterious shovel!!!!!" said Jack. "Now, my wish is: to go to an extraterrestrialian planet!!"  
  
"WHAT????"  
  
PPPOOOFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
They were surrounded by extraterrestrialians!!!  
  
They were green....  
  
With pink eyes.....  
  
Some were short.....  
  
Some were tall.....  
  
But they were all extraterrestrialians...  
  
The shortest of them all approached them in a Santa suit.  
  
"My name is ZIM!" he said exaggerating on his name. "I'm the leader of all the aliens on this planet!!!! You will bow down to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"I don't believe in any of this!! Extraterrestrialians are not real!!!!!" said Legolas firmly.  
  
"You doubt the power of Santa??!!" said Zim.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"To the jingle jail with the nonbeliever!!" shouted Zim. "Poop dog, will you do the honors?"  
  
"Yo yo yo wassup homies, sorri iv gotta do dis, dude." he grabbed Legolas and threw him in the jingle jail. "West side, dude!! Peace!" and he was gone with the jingle jail in hand.  
  
"Will you bow now??" they all bent down and touched there noses to the floor. "Now shower me with gifts!!"  
  
"I would've given you a rump roast," began Will, "but before I got 'poofed' here I had a rump roast in the oven at my shop and now it's going to burn down all the neighboring shops and the governor is going to kick me outta town and I'll have to go live with the hobos-"  
  
"Hobbits," said Sam calmly.  
  
"Yes with the hobbits and it'll rain every Sunday while I'm having afternoon tea in the garden and then the rainbows will come and all the fuzzy furry pink-"  
  
BAM!!!  
  
Zero came out of nowhere and hit him on the back of the head with a shovel.  
  
"Thank you, I needed that," said Will.  
  
"No prob," he said. And 'POOF' he was gone.  
  
"Hey guys," said Legolas.  
  
"What are you doing here??" asked Fred.  
  
"I ate my way out; the jingle jail was actually made of candy canes."  
  
" FOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL!!! YOU CANNNNNOT ESCAPE!!!!!!!! PUT HIM IN THE ACTUALLY STRONG JINGLE JAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Zim.  
  
"Why didn't you just put me in the strong one in the first place??"  
  
"I didn't want to! You'll never understand my evil ways," said Zim.  
  
"To the jingle jail with the non believer!!!!" cried the whole town of extraterrestrialians.  
  
"Wassup homies? sorri I gotta do this, cuz you know its ALL good in the brotherhood!!!" Poop Dog again took away Legolas.  
  
"Noooooooooooooo!!!" screamed Erin as she grabbed hold of Legolas." I won't let go!!! They'll have to take me too! I won't lose you again!!!"  
  
"If that is what it takes, fair Erin!! For the cost of love is much more than they can do to us as long as we're together!!!!" said Legolas dramatically.  
  
"Then so be it!!!" shouted Zim. "To the jingle jail with the two lovers and nonbelievers!!" Poop Dog came up and took them away to the actually strong jingle jail.  
  
Everyone watched in silence.  
  
"I had a kangaroo once!!" said jack breaking the silence.  
  
"Good for you. now go and fetch me a pail of sparkling water!!" shouted Zim. "Make that two pails of sparkling water with a hint of blueberry. No, no, strawberry! Yes strawberry!!!"  
  
As they went to the lake to fetch the sparkling water, Jack suddenly exclaimed, "This is a pail of mysterious water!!!"  
  
"Well this time I'm going to make a wish," said Harry.  
  
"I'M the CAPTAIN!!!!! I call the SHOTS!!!! I will make the WISH!!!!!!!!" Jack picked up the pail and said, "I wish we were in jolly old England!" Then he dumped the water over his head.  
  
PPPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
They were in jolly old England!!!!!!!!!  
  
PPPPPPPOOOOFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The Jingle jail landed on top of Ron.  
  
"OH CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ABOUT THE ICE BERG??????" Aragorn shouted.  
  
"We've discussed this already!!! THE ICE BERG MELTED!!!!!!!!!!!" said Jack impatiently.  
  
"IT MELTED???? OH CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?????" Aragorn began to run around in circles screaming "oh crap" over and over.  
  
"Kind of makes you wonder if he's a natural blonde," said Will.  
  
"I bet that's dirt in his hair that makes it look that color," said George.  
  
"HELLO????? I'M STILL UNDER THIS DARN THING!!!!!!!!!" Ron yelled.  
  
Everyone helped lift the jingle jail off of him.  
  
"Now if you would all be so kind and help us GET OUT OF THE JINGLE JAIL?????" asked Legolas.  
  
******************************** What will our fav crew find in jolly old England? We'll see!  
  
A/N: Although I'm glad that I get to have Legolas in this story, I'm also kind of upset that Brittany wrote that part to make fun of me. So I'll get revenge on her! Mwahahaha!!!! 


	9. Supercallafragilisticexpialadociuos

Finally the long awaited ninth chapter! Thank you all for reviewing and I hope you enjoy the next enstallment.  
  
Disclaimer: Yeah you know the drill.  
  
*************  
  
The crew walked around the lovely streets of England, dragging the jingle jail behind them. It was getting dark and they needed a place to stay but no one would let them in.  
  
"We've been all over this town and haven't found a single place to stay," said Pippin.  
  
"How about that tall scary castle over there that we'll probably never make it out alive????" asked Jack.  
  
"Yeah that'll work."  
  
"We could always find a mysterious brick," said Malfoy sarcastically.  
  
"Don't be silly, there's no such thing as a mysterious brick, mysterious curtains maybe, but no bricks," said Jack.  
  
"What are you people staring at? Take a picture it'll last longer!" Erin yelled at all the people passing by and staring at their strange crew.  
  
"Calm down, Erin," said Legolas, as a kid came by and stared at him. "What are you looking at four eyes? Yeah that's right I'm talking to you punk!"  
  
The little kid ran away crying.  
  
"How rude!" said Sam to Legolas.  
  
"You try being stuck in a Jingle Jail in the middle of England," muttered Legolas.  
  
The crew made their way to the big dark scary castle that was isolated from the rest of the town. A sign on the gate read: "Beware of Everything."  
  
"Must be a friendly environment!" said Jack cheerfully as he opened the gate and led the way to the door. They rang the doorbell which sounded like people screaming. A tall, pale man answered.  
  
"Hello! I would like to speak to the head of this house," said Jack.  
  
The man let out a long moan and led them inside. The house looked like an ordinary mansion except for the fact that it was really dirty. A man and a woman both came down the stairs toward them.  
  
"Hello! Welcome to our lovely abode!" said the man. "My name is Gomez Addams and this is my lovely wife Mortisha."  
  
"Pleased to meet you!" said Jack. "My name is CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow and this is me crew. We were just wished here on a mysterious pail of water and we need a place to stay."  
  
"Why you can stay with us!" said Mortisha happily. "We have plenty of guest rooms! I'll just have our new maid show you to your rooms. Oh, Mrs. Poppins!"  
  
A woman in clean clothing had appeared. "Hello. I am Mary Poppins. Come this way and I will show you to your rooms."  
  
The crew led them to four rooms. Erin, Brittany, and Taylor shared one. Jack, Will, Aragorn, and Legolas shared another. Harry, Ron, Malfoy, and Pippin shared a room and Fred, George, Frodo and Sam shared one.  
  
"Be sure to come down for dinner in two hours," said Mary Poppins as she left.  
  
"Hey, guys?" asked Erin. "How are me and Legolas supposed to get out of this jingle jail?"  
  
"Guess you'll have to stay in there!" Brittany laughed.  
  
"Or we could help." A girl and a boy came up to them.  
  
"Who are you?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Wednesday and Pugsly Addams."  
  
"How can you help?" asked Erin. Wednesday held up a dynamite stick that was already lit. She threw it in the cage.  
  
"OH CRAPOLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Aragorn.  
  
"GREAT GHOST OF DOOKEY THEIR GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!" said Taylor.  
  
"Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!! Get it out!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Erin.  
  
"GET ME A HAIRNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Legolas started messing with his hair," if I die, remember one thing Aragorn...always buy the pizza!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Why??"  
  
"You never know when you'll get stuck in a phone book!!"  
  
"OH CRAP!!!!!! I DIDN'T BUY THE PIZZA!!!!!!!" and he ran off screaming I don't want to be stuck in a phone book!!!!!!"  
  
"Phone booth! It's a phone boo-"  
  
BBBBAAAMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The dynamite exploded throwing Erin and Legolas across the room. They were covered in soot from head to toe. They both stood up and stared at the two children.  
  
After a long moment of silence, Pugsly said, "It worked!"  
  
*************  
  
Just a note: The pizza thing and the phone booth was from the movie "Phone booth" in case you were wondering. 


	10. He's got the URGE!

Hey everyone! Sorry it's taking me so long to update, but I'm so freakin' busy because of school.I hate school. Well, I don't hate it, but I just don't like it. Well, here's the next chapter. Enjoy!!!  
  
*************************************  
  
That night they had pickled pig's feet for dinner with a side of squid tentacles.  
  
"I think I'm gonna puke," said Ron, as his face turned a sickly shade of green.  
  
"Where's the bathroom?" asked Legolas. "I need to check my makeup-I mean hair!"  
  
"Upstairs take a right at the third door and then go left at the fifth door and you'll go up a flight of stairs, go up six more flights then take a left go down the hall and turn another left when you get to the fork in the road. Then all you have to do is go over the hill and there it is," said Gomez.  
  
They all stared at him.  
  
"I think we'll just look around and find it ourselves," said Legolas. They got up and left.  
  
Ron leaned against the fireplace about an hour later. "Slow down, mate!" he panted. "You're going too fast."  
  
"Why is everything so difficult to find in this house?" said Legolas more to himself. He didn't notice the fireplace turn around with Ron on it. "What do you think-Ronald? Mr. Weasley, where are you?"  
  
Ron ended up in a dark hallway. The fireplace wouldn't turn back, so he had only one choice: to go down the hallway.  
  
Suddenly he saw a hand crawling toward him on the ground.  
  
"AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" he screamed. He turned around to run but the fireplace wouldn't move. So instead he ran towards the dismembered hand, leaped over it, and ran screaming.  
  
"RONALD CLARICE WEASLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Legolas yelled at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Geez, what're ya yelling about?" said Jack, who was enjoying his pickled pig's feet. Legolas was on the other side of the dining room.  
  
"How the heck did I end up back here?"  
  
"You've been walking back and forth for hours."  
  
"No I haven't!!! I've been all over this stupid house and still haven't found the powder-I mean bathroom!"  
  
"Legolas wears makeup!" said Pippin in a sing-song voice.  
  
"I do not! Now where is Ronald Clarice Weasley?"  
  
"CLARICE????" everyone said in unison.  
  
"Yes, Clarice. I read his diary once, that how I found out."  
  
"You can't just read people's diaries!" said Sam.  
  
"I read yours too shorty, want me to tell everyone what you said about Frodo?" Legolas said threateningly.  
  
Sam was quiet.  
  
Ron ran in suddenly, screaming, "The hands! The hands! They're after me!"  
  
He ran back out of the room. He bumped into a strange man. "Do you know about the hands???" he asked the man.  
  
The man just smiled and muttered something.  
  
"That's Mr. Bean," said Wednesday. "He doesn't like to talk much. He's Mary Poppins' fiancé. And I think the hands you're talking about is just Thing. He's our family pet."  
  
"You have a hand for a pet?" Ron shouted. Then he fainted.  
  
Just then, a big hairy red thing came sliding into the room and sat down next to Legolas. Everyone expected him to scream at how freaky it looked, and he did. But not because he was freaky. It was because of his hair.  
  
"LOOK AT THESE SPLIT ENDS!!!!" He yelled. "YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TAKING CARE OF YOUR HAIR!!! I KNOW JUST WHAT WILL FIX IT," he pulled out a bottle of shampoo that said, 'Herbal Essence.' "Come here and I'll give you a good washing."  
  
Everyone stared as he began to shampoo the hairy thing's head.  
  
"Um, what exactly is that thing?" asked Harry.  
  
"Cousin It," said Pugsly. "He never cut his hair once in his life."  
  
"I got the pizza!" Aragorn came in carrying a box of pizza.  
  
"ALLEJUHIA GREAT BALLS OF FIRE WE'RE SAVED!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Taylor.  
  
"And I didn't even get stuck in a phonebook!" said Aragorn triumphantly.  
  
"I tried to tell you, it was a phone booth," corrected Legolas while combing through Cousin It's hair.  
  
"Phone booth?" Aragorn's face went pale. "OH CRAP!!!!!!! I GOT STUCK IN A PHONE BOOTH ON MY WAY HERE!!!!!" He ran out the door shouting something about a sniper and the police.  
  
Everyone else began to eat the pizza while Jack sat at the table eating the squid tentacles. 


	11. Happy Halloween!

I'm back! Did you miss me? Well, I'm sorry for the delay but school is really busy this year. And on top of that, I had to look around for all the things I need to make my Halloween costume. Yes, my best friend and I are going trick or treating as the infamous Jack Sparrow and Will Turner! (Despite the fact that we are females.) So without further ado, I present the next chapter of the Drunken Adventures of Captain Jack Sparrow!  
  
*******************************  
  
Dinner was over and everyone decided to go to bed. In Harry, Ron, Malfoy, and Pippin's room they played cards. In Fred, George, Frodo, and Sam's room they were telling stories. In Jack, Will, Aragorn, and Legolas' room, they were arguing about phone booths. But in Erin, Taylor, and Brittany's room, they were about to get the scare of their lives.  
  
"I have to go to the bathroom," said Taylor.  
  
"Well, find it yourself, I'm not getting lost in this nuthouse," said Erin.  
  
"Come on, Taylor, I'll go with you," said Brittany. They went into the hallway. It was dark except for a few lit torches on the walls.  
  
"I think the portraits are staring at us!" whispered Taylor.  
  
"Nonsense, you're being paranoid," said Brittany as a portrait of a creepy old man winked at her. "Okay let's hurry up and find that bathroom!" she said, walking faster.  
  
Suddenly, they fell through a trap door on the floor into complete darkness, screaming.  
  
Meanwhile, in the bedroom, Erin was laying on the bed, trying to get some sleep. Then she heard the door open, but there was no one there.  
  
"Stop fooling around, Jack," said Erin. "I'm trying to sleep."  
  
There was a creaking sound coming from the door and toward the bed.  
  
"Jack, I know it's you, so stop." She grabbed the flashlight on the table and turned it on to reveal-none other than GANDALF!!!!!!!!  
  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!" screamed Erin. "But you're supposed to be DEAD!!!!!!"  
  
"No I'm not, we found a mysterious piece of ice at the bottom of the ocean and wished to find you guys," said Gandalf.  
  
"Who's we?" asked Erin.  
  
Lightning flashed and she saw the rest of the supposedly dead crew standing by the bed: Merry, Gimli, Boromir, Seamus, Dean, Lee, Dennis, Collin, Ginny, and Neville.  
  
"But-but you all look like creepy undead zombies!" said Erin.  
  
"Oh, that's the moss and seaweed we're covered in," said Seamus.  
  
"We were under the ocean for quite some time, remember?" said Gimli.  
  
"Not that I care, but where's Elizabeth?" asked Erin.  
  
"Oh.she would have come with us but she decided to go make out with that other Jack guy from the Titanic," said Boromir.  
  
"Oh.I guess we better not tell Will."  
  
Meanwhile, in Jack's room, their argument continued.  
  
"You said phone book, I heard you!" said Aragorn.  
  
"I said phone booth, got it? Booth!" said Legolas.  
  
"No, you distinctly said book, didn't he, Will?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"I have to go with Legolas on this one," said Will.  
  
"Why, because he looks like you? I mean you act like twins all the time!"  
  
"We do not!" said Legolas and Will in unison.  
  
"You're all wrong!" said Jack. "I heard him say what he said to you but you didn't hear him say what I heard him say because he said what you didn't hear but he said it because I heard him say what he said to you when he said it, you hear me?"  
  
They all stared at him.  
  
"Once again, it's philosophy, only superior minds can understand it!" said Jack, chugging down some rum.  
  
Suddenly the door flew open and they screamed as everyone came in followed by the supposedly dead crew.  
  
"But you're supposed to be DEAD!!!!" they said.  
  
"How many times must we go over this story?" said Gandalf. "We're not dead, we're just covered in seaweed, and we wished on a mysterious piece of ice to get here."  
  
"Really? Me too!" said Jack happily.  
  
Suddenly they all heard a scream.  
  
"That sounds like Taylor and Brittany!" said Erin.  
  
"We will not allow Brittany and Taylor to torment and death!" said Aragorn heroically.  
  
"Where does that sound familiar?" said Legolas, rolling his eyes.  
  
They all ran down the hall-and fell through the trap door.  
  
"Nice of you guys to drop in," said Brittany sarcastically as the crew landed on the ground beside them.  
  
"We have found them!" exclaimed Aragorn.  
  
"Oh, no, he's going to do his-" began Legolas.  
  
"VICTORY DANCE!!!!!!!" shouted Aragorn. He suddenly began to dance around in a horrific way as everyone stared with wide eyes. (Just imagine him doing a sort of Macarena/chicken dance/electric slide. Scary, huh?)  
  
"This is so embarrassing." muttered Legolas.  
  
"Well, how are we going to get out?" asked Boromir.  
  
"I KNOW! I KNOW!!!" said Pippin. "Using spoons-'' he pulled two spoons from his pockets "-we'll fight the evil underground gnomes-'' he twirled the spoons in his hands like numchucks "-and when we defeat them we'll dig our way out and make a hole to China!!!!"  
  
"Why China?" asked Taylor.  
  
"Because every kid dreams of digging a hole to China!" said Pippin, still spinning the spoons ninja-ly.  
  
"But what about Chinese kids?" asked Brittany.  
  
Everyone looked at her.  
  
"She has a point," said Aragorn.  
  
"Forget about the Chinese kids, what about us?" said Harry.  
  
"Look! There's a light!" said Boromir heroically.  
  
"Hey, hey, hey! Leave the heroics to me!" said Aragorn.  
  
They all followed the light and walked into a dimly lit room. They looked around and saw-a torture chamber.  
  
"Sweet swirling onions!" exclaimed Jack. "I found a mysterious noose!"  
  
"Not this again." Sam sighed.  
  
"I wish."  
  
"Now wait just a minute!" said Erin. "I think it's only fair to let one of us make a wish."  
  
"But I found it!" said Jack.  
  
"Yes, but you made all of the other wishes remember?"  
  
"She's got a point!" said everyone in unison.  
  
"Alright." said Jack with a pout. He handed the mysterious noose to Pippin.  
  
"Yay!" he shouted.  
  
"NOOOO!!!!!" screamed the others.  
  
"I wish..WE WERE IN TELETUBBIELAND!!!!!!!!"  
  
And with a loud POOF! The entire crew was swept off to experience a horror unlike they've never seen before-the teletubbies.  
  
**********************************  
  
Will the poor crew survive the wrath of the teletubbies? Or will the teletubbies be the ones to beware??? 


	12. Time for Tubby Bye Bye!

I'm back! So sorry for the delay, but I've been so busy during the holidays and then school started again...and now we've moved! It's been a nightmare! But I'm back on track! Well, here it is, as I promised. The next chapter!  
-Jade LaBeouf  
  
Time for Tubby Bye-bye!  
  
"Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore!" said Brittany.  
  
"We never were in Kansas," Frodo pointed out.  
  
"It's an expression..."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Good choice, young hobo! I mean hobbit!" said Jack happily to Pippin.  
  
They were now in a freakishly bright green field with flowers and trees scattered throughout the scenery. But the scariest thing of all was the bright yellow sun. A baby's face shone down upon them with curiosity.  
  
"A sun baby..." said Legolas slowly. "Now this surpasses even my intellect of the world of nature..."  
  
"Hey guys! There's another phone booth! I'll call for help!" shouted Aragorn heroically. Before anyone could stop him, he ran towards the suspicious looking phone booth. "Umm, guys? I'm trapped! There's a sniper on the phone who says he'll kill me if I leave!"  
  
"What do we do with him?" asked Will.  
  
"Let's just take him with us," said Harry.  
  
"With the phone booth???" asked Seamus.  
  
"Might as well since he can't leave," said Gandalf.  
  
"You know, Aragorn, you should have learned by now to never trust a phone booth," said Erin, rolling her eyes.  
  
So Will and Boromir dragged the phone booth as they walked off to look for some form of intelligent life.  
  
Boy, would they find life alright, but certainly not intelligent life.  
  
Soon, everyone was tired of walking. But suddenly, they saw a weird microphone thing come out of a pile of flowers. Then a female voice said: "Time for Teletubbies! Time for Teletubbies! Time for Teletubbies!"  
  
"Time for what?" asked Erin.  
  
Then they saw it. Four teletubbies coming their way! They stood horrified as the teletubbies laughed and introduced themselves.  
  
"Tinky Winky!" said the purple one.  
  
"Dipsy!" said a green one.  
  
"La La!" said the yellow one.  
  
"Po!" said the red one.  
  
"Teletubbies!" sang the microphone thing. "Teletubbies! Say...helllllloooo!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Eh oh!" said the teletubbies.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the crew.  
  
They ran off in the other direction.  
  
"Look! A house!" said Jack, pointing to a green hill.  
  
"It looks like a hobbit hole!" said the hobbits.  
  
"Who cares, just run for it!" shouted Malfoy.  
  
When they were all safe inside, they sighed. "That was a close one!" said Fred.  
  
Jack felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around. "What in the name of Barbossa is that?!?!?" Everyone turned to see a horrid vacuum thing rolling around Jack's feet, trying to clean him up.  
  
"I know what it is!" said Pippin excitedly. "It's a Nu Nu!"  
  
"A what?" asked Boromir.  
  
"A Nu Nu! It's like a vacuum that cleans things! But it's harmless. Honestly, haven't you ever seen the show?" said Pippin.  
  
"......NO!" said everyone in unison.  
  
"I've made my decision!" said Jack heroically. "We shall wait in here until those...things...go away. In the morning, we shall split up and look for another mysterious object."  
  
"But why? I like it here!" whined Pippin.  
  
"Clearly, the power of these Teletubbies, as you call them, is too much for our own," said Jack. "We shall have to leave as soon as possible! Before they do something...unnatural..."  
  
ONE HOUR LATER.....  
  
"I'm hungry," said Pippin.  
  
"Me, too," Merry agreed.  
  
"What do you think teletubbies eat?" asked Dean.  
  
"Maybe they don't eat anything," said Harry.  
  
"Or maybe they eat PEOPLE!" said Gimli.  
  
"Don't say that! You're upsetting the hobbits!" said Taylor, hugging Sam.  
  
"Oooooh! What does this button do?" Will pushed a button on a weird machine and nothing happened. Suddenly, pancakes began flying out from the top, all over the place. Everyone ducked for cover.  
  
"Attack of the Flying Pancakes!" yelled Jack. He was riding on the Nu Nu, all around the house, while the Nu Nu was trying to clean up the mess.  
  
"Make it stop!" yelled Ginny.  
  
Will began pushing another button. Pink, gooey stuff came spurting out of a faucet-looking thing, all over Will.  
  
"I can't see!" he yelled. He slipped on some of the pink stuff and went sliding into the phone booth, which fell over on top of Gandalf.  
  
"Old—bones—can't—take it!" he gasped. Legolas, Fred, and George tried to help him. When they got him out, the machine stopped.  
  
"What in the bloody hell was that?" asked Ron.  
  
"Tubby toast and Tubby custard!" said Pippin, licking some custard off his fingers.  
  
"Well, at least we won't go hungry!" said Neville hopefully.  
  
"Or maybe it'll turn us into Teletubbies!!!" shouted Seamus.  
  
"I've always wanted to be an orange one..." said Aragorn. They all stared at him. "What?"  
  
Suddenly, they heard the microphone thing say: "Time for Tubby Bye Bye! Time for Tubby Bye Bye! Time for Tubby Bye Bye!"  
  
"What does it mean?" asked Malfoy.  
  
"GREAT GHOSTS OF DOOKIE!!!!" shouted Taylor from the window. "THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY!!!!"  
  
Sure enough, the teletubbies were coming toward the house.  
  
"Whatdowedowhatdowedowhatdowedo?!?!?" panicked the crew.  
  
"This is a foe beyond any of you," whispered Gandalf dramatically. He turned toward the crew. "RUN!!!!"  
  
They quickly ran through the door and around to the back of the house.  
  
"What about me?!" yelled Aragorn. Boromir and Will ran back and dragged him out. But just as they reached the door, the teletubbies were a few feet away.  
  
"Oh, no!" said Boromir. "We're done for!"  
  
"Fly, you fools!" yelled Gandalf, standing between them and the teletubbies.  
  
They dragged Aragorn to the others a few feet away from the house and they watched in fear as Gandlaf faced the horrid creatures.  
  
"You cannot pass!" yelled Gandalf.  
  
The teletubbies laughed. "Eh oh!" they said, oblivious to the sword and staff that Gandlaf was holding.  
  
"Go back to the shadow!" said Gandalf. He raised the sword and staff above his head. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" then BAM he brought them down and a wave of light hit the teletubbies. There was a big explosion and when the smoke cleared...there was nothing left.  
  
"GANDALF!!!" yelled Frodo sadly.  
  
"There, there," said Brittany. "He did what had to be done."  
  
"Let us have a moment of silence for our fallen comrade, who gave his life to preserve ours," said Jack, taking off his hat in salute. After a minute had passed, he put it back on. "Now what?"  
  
"You're the captain," said Erin.  
  
"How about we wish on this mysterious piece of tubby toast?" asked Pippin, holding up a piece.  
  
"Excellent idea!" Jack took the toast and took a bite. "I wish we were—"  
  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a second!" Ginny snatched the toast away. "I would like to go home! This is getting too freaky for me! Who's with me?"  
  
Neville, Seamus, Colin, Dennis, Dean, and Lee raised their hands.  
  
Ginny took a bite and said, "I wish we were back at Hogwarts School." Then POOF! They were gone. Frodo, Merry, and Gimli wanted to leave also.  
  
"Sorry, but I'm too depressed that Gandalf is gone," said Frodo.  
  
"And I've got to go see Gimlina!" said Gimli, blushing.  
  
"Who's Gimlina?" asked Taylor. But Legolas covered her mouth and said, "His girlfriend. Don't ask him or he'll never shut up about her 'wonderfully long beard' or her 'lovely dwarvish figure.'"  
  
"So I guess that just leaves us," said Erin. The only ones left were her, Taylor, Brittany, Jack, Will, Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir, Sam, Pippin, Fred, George, Harry, Ron, and Malfoy.  
  
"As I was saying!" interrupted Jack. He swallowed the piece of toast and said, "I wish we were in the Old West!"  
  
POOF!!!!!! 


	13. Note from Jade's Manager

To Whom It May Concern:

This is Jade's manager. I've been reading some of your reviews and it seems that this world is going to the dogs! Patience is a virtue. Creativeness does not come in a box in the mail every 3 weeks! I have talked to my client and seeing as how summer is coming up she MAY write the next chapter. Actually she will. So look forward (patiently) to many frequent updates in the coming weeks following the end of school.

Thank you,

The Management

(Henri Jean Claude Phillip Pierre Ferme La Bouche Descartes)

P.S. the III


End file.
